That's exactly why I like it.
Fact is, Shakespeare's "Romeo and Juliet" is just a terrible story. Two teenagers fall madly in love for like three days amidst political turmoil, then kill themselves because they can't imagine living without the other. Romantic and beautiful love story? No. Daytime soap opera? Definetly.
While I don't generally find it sporting to make fun of dead guys, I nonetheless feel that his story deserves the full power of my ridicule. Stand well back; I am about to crank my sarcastic wit up to 11!
ACT I
Romeo is listening to Dashboard Confessional in his room when Benvolio enters.
Benvolio: Hey, cuz, what's up?
Romeo: God, life fucking sucks. Leave me alone.
Benvolio: Huh? What, are you getting all weepy about some bitch again?
Romeo: She's not just some bitch! Her name is Rosaline, and she is my one and only love!
Romeo cries, causing his black eyeliner to run down his face.
Benvolio: Dude. You're being a total pussyfest. Why don't you just bang her like a normal guy?
Romeo: She's becoming a nun!
Benvolio: So?
Romeo: You can't bang a nun! They're chaste!
Benvolio: (aside) Not on the websites I've seen... (to Romeo) Ok, you know what you need?
Romeo: To kill myself?
Benvolio: Pussy. We're going to a party.
Romeo: Leave me to dwell in my sorrow!
Benvolio: Rosaline is going to be there.
Romeo: Alright, let me reapply my makeup...
Romeo and Benvolio, joined by Mercutio, arrive at the party.
Benvolio: Ah, we're here.
Romeo: I'm gonna go have a smoke. You guys have fun.
Mercutio: Oh, fuck that shit. You're here to get laid, my friend.
Romeo: I don't feel like it.
Mercutio: Look. Stop being such an emo bitch and go meet some girls.
Romeo: I had a dream last night...
Mercutio: Oh, God. You and your dreams. I had a dream last night, too. There was a fairy, and she was hot, and I fucked her. Just like you're going to do tonight.
Romeo: Why are you guys so mean to me?
Romeo wanders onto the dance floor and begins awkwardly swaying side to side in beat with the music. Suddenly, he sees Juliet.
Romeo: (to a servant) Whoa. Who's that cute girl in the emo glasses over there?
Servant: I haven't a clue.
Romeo: She's so hawt!
Elsewhere, Lord Capulet and Tybalt watch the party.
Tybalt: Motherfucker.
Capulet: What? Where are you going?
Tybalt: That's Romeo Montague, one of our sworn enemies. I'm gonna kill that motherfucker.
Capulet: Calm down. You're not going to ruin this party by killing someone. Again.
Tybalt: Ngrrrr... That clown had it coming!
Romeo walks up to Juliet.
Romeo: Hey. You're like, hawt. Let's make out.
Juliet: Okay.
Sloppy makeouts ensue.
Nurse: Hey, Juliet. Your mom wants to talk to you.
Romeo: (to Nurse) Oh, shit, is she a Capulet!?
Nurse: Uh, ya.
Romeo: OH SHIT!
Benvolio: RUN AWAY!
Romeo, Benvolio, and Mercutio get the fuck out of Dodge.
Juliet: Who was that guy?
Nurse: Mercutio.
Juliet: No, the other guy.
Nurse: Benvolio?
Juliet: No, the guy who couldn't dance.
Nurse: Oh. That was Romeo. He's a Montague, one of your family's sworn enemies.
Juliet: Ah, Romeo...
Nurse: Did you hear the last part? About the sworn enemies?
Juliet: He's so dreeeeeeamy...
Nurse: *sigh*
ACT II
Romeo sneaks away from Benvolio and Mercutio and back into the Capulets' orchard.
Romeo: I can't go back, I have to see her again!
Mercutio and Benvolio look for Romeo.
Mercutio: Wait, hold on. Did Romeo go home?
Benvolio: No, I think he jumped this wall and went into the Capulets' orchard.
Mercutio: That guy has a chemical imbalance in his brain. Let's go home.
Benvolio: No kidding.
Romeo sneaks over to Juliet's window. He has mysteriously procured a small portable stereo system. Raising the stereo above his head, it begins to play a song by My Chemical Romance.
Romeo: (screaming over the music) I LOVE YOU, JULIET!
Juliet: Ay me!
Later, Romeo goes to see Friar Laurence.
Friar: Wow, you're here early. Or late. You didn't sleep last night, did you?
Romeo: How could I sleep, when I was with my one and only love?
Friar: Oh, dear. Were you with Rosaline?
Romeo: Who?
Friar: Nevermind.
Romeo receives a text message.
Juliet: HAY WHATS UP
Romeo: WANT 2 GET MARRIED
Juliet: SURE LOL
Romeo: :-D:-D:-D MEET AT FRIAR LORENCES
Later, at Friar Laurence's cell.
Friar: I now pronounce you man and wife.
Sloppy makeouts ensue.
ACT III
Benvolio and Mercutio are hanging out at the local mall.
Benvolio: What are we doing here? If any Capulets find us, we're fucked for sure.
Mercutio: Ah, quit yer bitchin'.
Tybalt appears.
Tybalt: What's up, faggots?
Mercutio: You want a piece of this?
Tybalt: Sit down, fool. Where's your friend Romeo?
Romeo enters.
Tybalt: Motherfucker.
Romeo: Why are you so mad? We're family, now! One big, happy family! Yay!
Tybalt: What the fuck are you talking about? I'm here to kill you.
Mercutio: If it's a fight you want, how about you fight me?
Tybalt: *sigh*. Fine.
The duel is over quickly.
Mercutio: Oh God, what the fuck was I thinking?
Mercutio dies.
Romeo: You killed Mercutio!
In a completely uncharacteristic act of rage, Romeo kills Tybalt.
Tybalt: Motherfucker!
Prince Escalus enters and surveys the mess.
Prince: What the fuck is this shit?
Prince Escalus banishes Romeo from Verona. Elsewhere, Juliet hears the news.
Juliet: WTF!? Nurse, go fetch Romeo so I can see him one last time!
Nurse: Um, ok...
In Friar Laurence's cell, Romeo hears his sentence.
Friar: You've been banished from Verona.
Romeo: WHAAAAAAT!?
Juliet's nurse knocks at the door
Nurse: Is Romeo here?
Friar: Yeah, he's here. He's been crying since he heard the news. He's such a woman.
Nurse: Yeah. Juliet wants to see him. Say, why are we doing this, again?
Friar: I have absolutely no idea.
Romeo arrives at Juliet's balcony once again.
Romeo: Hey babe.
Juliet: You killed my cousin. WTF?
Romeo: He killed my friend.
Juliet: Oh. So you're banished now.
Romeo: Ya. Don't worry, I'll visit you!
Juliet: I miss you already!
Romeo leaves, and Juliet's mom enters.
Lady Capulet: Hey, I know you're upset over your cousin's death and all, but you're going to marry Paris.
Juliet: Sure, whatever, Mom.
Juliet's mom leaves.
Juliet: Oh, god, I can't take it anymore! I'm going to kill myself!
ACT IV
Juliet goes to see the Friar, and meets Paris there.
Paris: Juliet, my love! We are to be married!
Juliet: Get bent.
Paris leaves.
Juliet: If I have to marry him, I'll kill myself first!
Friar: I have a better idea. I have a potion that will make it so you only look dead. Then once everyone thinks you're dead, you can run away with Romeo. It's brilliant!
Juliet: ... and you're a man of the church?
Friar: (aside) Brilliant.
Juliet: Gimme.
Friar Laurence sends an email to Romeo about the plan, which gets destroyed by an overactive spam filter because it used the word "drug." Later that night, Juliet sits alone in her room, about to drink the potion.
Juliet: Hm. Is the Friar is trying to poison me to cover his ass? What if I suffocate when they put me in the family vault? Oh, God, I'm going to be surrounded by dead people! Oh, Romeo!
Ignoring her rational thought processes, Juliet drinks the potion and falls deathly still. The next morning, she is found.
Nurse: OH SHIT!
Lady Capulet: OH SHIT!
Lord Capulet: OH SHIT!
Paris: OH SHIT!
Friar: (to himself) BRILLIANT!
ACT V
Romeo roams the streets, exiled in Mantua, blissfully ignorant of Juliet's plans. He meets a friend, Balthasar.
Romeo: Today is going to be a wonderful day, I can feel it!
Balthasar: Hey, um, Romeo. Juliet is dead.
Romeo: OH SHIT! I can't bear this pain, I'm going to kill myself!
Romeo goes to a drugstore.
Romeo: I need poison.
Clerk: I can't sell you poison, they'll kill me for that.
Romeo: But you're poor and going to die anyway!
Clerk: Wow, way to belittle the lower class. Here you go, have fun dying.
Romeo and Balthasar go to the Capulet vault.
Romeo: Alright, I'm going to go see Juliet because I, uh, have to get a ring off her hand. You stay here. If you come to take a peek, I will rip you limb from limb. Capiche?
Balthasar: (aside) Fucking necro...
Inside, Romeo meets Paris.
Paris: What the fuck are you doing here?
Romeo: I am on a hair trigger right now, OKAY!? So get the fuck out of my way before I do something crazy!
Romeo kills Paris.
Romeo: Oh, you poor man! Let me lay you down in the tomb with Juliet. WHY DO WE HURT THE ONES WE LOVE!?
Romeo drinks the poison.
Romeo: HURGGGH!
Friar Laurence enters the tomb. Juliet awakens.
Friar: What the fuck?
Juliet: Guh wha? Where am I? Where's Romeo?
Friar: Our plan has gone horribly wrong! Romeo is dead!
Juliet: Oh Romeo! Why have you... Wait. "Our plan"?
Friar: Um...
Juliet: Just get out.
Friar Laurence leaves.
Juliet: Oh, look, a dagger! Be with you shortly, Romeo!
Juliet falls on the dagger. Elsewhere, in Heaven...
Darwin: Booyah! Pay up!
Cupid: Jesus, man, you don't have to be a dick about it.
Jesus: Hey, watch your mouth.
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