The only members of the opposite sex you find interesting live hundreds of miles away.
Corollary:
If you travel hundreds of miles away from home, you will invariably meet an attractive, interesting, single member of the opposite sex, whom you have no chance of forming a relationship with.
So I'm on a trip with my old roommate Scott, to the Great Midwest Computer Expo. After paying $9 for mediocre chinese food in Dwight (Really, what can you expect from a restaurant called "Dwight Restaurant"?), and paying $6 to see The Day After (Which, by the way, was great, but only in the "This is so hilariously unbelievable" way, with some spontaneous plot-advancing holes thrown in for good measure. The girl that Donnie Darko was hot for was so damn cute, though.), I'm sitting here pondering why I can't seem to find a girl who's a) interesting, b) single, and c) lives in my time zone. *sigh*. I think I'm just going to spin the Wheel of Self-Loathing and go to sleep.
*spin*
Oh, yay. "Nobody really likes you, they're just trying to make you feel better so you don't kill them."
I took my car out to E14, to follow some advice I read in the GT manual on learning to drift. Basically, it involves doing donuts. :) I parked for a bit, to see if anyone was around. It's completely dead out there. I ph33r the long arm of the law, so I spun it a couple of times and fled.
On the way back, I went through campus, and noticed that 1) campus is deserted, and 2) there are a lot of streets that you can turn on to that leave no opportunity to be caught by surprise. For example, going east on Gregory Drive, right before you get to Allen Hall, it is intersected by Goodwin Ave. Now, you can see directly in front of you, since the road only goes on for another 200 feet or so. It's not hard to see down Goodwin, and that end of Goodwin is about as useful as an appendix. So, you can either turn left at moderate speed, or continue forward and turn right onto whatever the hell that street is.
The real goldmine, however, is the dearth of one-way streets on campus. On a one-way street there is no possibility of getting caught from ahead, and anyone behind you isn't going to be in your way. Most importantly, At 3am, nobody is driving these streets. My current discovery is going south on Matthews from Green, then taking the left onto Nevada at the end at full speed, since it goes right into another one-way without a stop sign. You could also endlessly circle around Goodwin, Oregon, Matthews, and Nevada. Another obvious route is the maze of one-ways around Wright St.
I'm not advocating breaking the law. I stop at all stop signs and go the speed limit. Drifting is a blast, and with a little water on the road, it can be done without breaking the speed limit. :)
- Make sure you have the heat spreaders on your DIMMs on right the first time, for they are mighty hard to get off.
- When the the area that houses computers is warmer than the area that houses humans, this is a warning sign. Do not just stand there and stare in awe at the wave of heat exiting the machines.
- University service workers are quick, intelligent, helpful, and friendly. If you've ever wondered where the good handymen are, they're here. :)
- If you ever run out of butter, but have plenty of solid lard substitute (like Crisco), mix three parts of the stuff with one part canola oil, and mix it thoroughly. Voila! Partially hydrogenated soybean oil-based butter substitute. Add your favorite flavored oil for a little extra zing. I've only tried this on grilled ham and cheese, but it was good on that, so I have no reason to believe it wouldn't work on bread, rolls, etc.
- Double-clutching is much better when you have a car that revs freely, and has responsive and tactile pedals that are positioned correctly.
- So when you're at this light, and this guy in a black Cavalier shoots off the line like he's a badass, you just plant your right foot down and smile. "Yeah, that's right, my car revs up to 7000 RPM, bitch." Ok, I guess that wasn't really something I learned, but it was pretty cool.
Zoom zoom.
In the newsgroups, a guy was selling a 1987 RX-7 for $2300 originally. Now, since the guy's leaving town, he's in a hurry to sell the thing, so he dropped the price several times until it got down to $1500. I jumped, and went to see the car. It's in great shape. It's got about 100,000 miles on it, new brakes, a rebuilt engine, CD player, A/C, sunroof. Needless to say, I'm freaking excited about it, and I'm going to get this car, hell or high water.
Me: My passion for you is like a candle in a room full of dynamite. At the slightest provocation, it will explode, leveling a whole city block. People will stand with mouths agape as rubble and body parts rain from the blackened sky. A NEW AGE IS BORN! ... I'm sorry, what was I saying?
Her: O_o. Maybe you should switch to decaf Mountain Dew.
Woman: These containers are different; I can close them with one finger!
Other Woman: I... I can't do that!
Seriously, if anyone was impressed by that "feature", they should be taken out of the gene pool immediately. Toward an end of social cleansing, I propose my new political ideology:
Read My Lips: No New Idiots
The method is really very simple. I'm not proposing the wholesale slaughter of millions of innocent people. No, I'm determined to stop the problem at its source: idiots having unprotected sex. Hmm. Allow me to amend my slogan:
No Sex for Idiots!
The process works like this:
- All newborn babies will be neutered in a reversible way. (Ok, I'm not sure this is even possible, but it's a problem I'll leave up to the reproductive biologists.)
- After a generation, when the neutered idiots grow up and have sex, They cannot have kids.
- When people want to have kids, the must go through a lengthy process whereby they are "reconnected". This process will be long, tough, and humiliating, such that people will only do it if they're serious. Money, however should not be a factor, and the service should be provided to anyone who can prove themselves worthy, free of charge.
Inductively, after a few generations, there will be *much* fewer idiots. So few, in fact, that you'd have to hunt them down, instead of there being so many that they incessantly bother you with every trivial detail of their lives. My message is clear:
If You're an Idiot and Want Kids, You're Going to Have to Move to Canada
Note: I don't really support the wholesale removal of less intelligent people from the USA. Just those in my immediate vicinity.
Also, a disturbing trend has arisen on OKCupid. All of the girls in C-U are seeing someone, and all the single girls are in Bloomington-Normal. I've figured out my problem: I should have gone to ISU.
- Fuck you, NVidia and/or ALi, for making my video freeze three seconds after login with Linux 2.6. I'm now using the nv driver.
- LiveJournal, thank you for being awesome and making RSS feeds of your blogs.
- Xanga, you suck for not having RSS feeds of your blogs, but you have been 0wn3d by my blog2RSS.pl script, so it's cool.
- The Girl Next Door, I liked you better when you were called Risky Business. I will, however, admit that Elisha Cuthbert is way hotter than Rebecca De Mornay.
- Chrissy, thank you for massaging my back. Thanks even more for remembering that you still owe me one. :)
- OKCupid, WTF? Really. Stop giving me bisexuals, and girls with boyfriends. I get enough of that in person.
Chip: Yeah, and there's something on fire, too.
Mike: (to Alyssa) I'll give you a nice hug.
Alyssa: Awww.
Ben: You're just mad because he didn't wrap his leg around your thigh.